What is deserving? I have been thinking about it a lot these days, what is deserving? Who deserves? What is fair? Why do certain things happen to people? Why?

There are things that don't make sense... but what is meaning? What do you find meaning in?

And, why does it bother you so much that you go through that? Why does it bother you so much that other people get it and you don't?

This is more complex than it seems...

I feel like I find the answer before I can even understand why this happens...

I think it's not really about deserving... you earn things...

I understood that love is not earned nor deserved... admiration

"is neither deserved nor earned... so? is it obtained?"

How do you get to that point?

Maybe there are things you can work towards and achieve and there are other things that will simply never happen. But those are not “things” – what is a thing?

I mean, the situations or feelings you have for a person, health… what is that?

Health: state of being human

When you are a child you think that what you fight for the most is the most difficult, you grow up and you realize that it is the easiest to achieve…

Things, things are not right…

It pisses me off… it hurts me… but I feel that the answer is closer… I feel that I understand it but I cannot express it… for some reason… for some reason… I do not want to accept without understanding… it is that… it goes beyond…

At 26 years old, getting angry over trivial things… or maybe they are really important to me… but it is wrong… getting angry because someone has been able to follow their dreams without obstacles (I will call them that for the moment) and it is not money, money is not a real obstacle… you can achieve it… but… or getting angry because someone came out in good health… or because someone was able to have children and yet… seeing that… they waste those opportunities…

I feel like crying now… it is not fair!

I think it is worse to get angry about that… maybe because I knew that in terms of money it was only a matter of time to achieve it and it was something I was sure of… but for the rest… I never thought about its importance because I had taken it for granted… but I realize that you can never take that for granted, because it is the only thing that is not stable and the only thing capable of destabilizing you and ending you… saying “with health you achieve everything”… is more than the banal and superficial meaning that can be given to it… or saying that “family is the most important thing” depending on what…

And it is that I have always known that I am responsible and that I have a high sense of responsibility and that has largely led to what I am now… because in addition to being responsible, I am committed… the truth is that I thought about family because… sometimes you sacrifice your greatest personal dreams for a greater good… and again I want to cry… but that is what I say… maybe that is it… it is that I am not a good daughter, I am not a good person either… I have only done what I consider convenient and is correct and morally accepted… not because I want it that way… many Sometimes I put the happiness of others before my own…

But this is not the issue… I just want to justify why I am currently like this… I should not why…

It was my decision…

But what about the rest… in the end that is my problem, why?

I think I have not learned something more important than all the material… maybe it is that the essence of the person is what is really important and it is what I also look for, but I always put the other things before without having understood that first you have to be in order to do and I have left something so basic aside… because now I only look at my level or higher… but most are imbeciles… did you know?

Maybe it is that pride that has you like this… believing that you deserve it just for being or doing… when really it is not like that… and do you think that you have earned it for what you have done?

It's still like person who thinks she deserves it just for being... it's our obligation to give her everything she wants... but it's not like that, she has to work to get it... so... should I work on every area to get it?

Then I should be kind and then I would meet that someone, give them the chance and change my perspective because, I don't talk unnecessarily with people...

And health... health is another issue...

And feeling envious is not right...

But what about the rest?

And I go back to the beginning... what is deserving? How do you know you deserve?